Retreat - The Dark Night

Retreat has started, and it has certainly been fruitful. Especially since it is continuing along the same line as what I've been sharing in my last few posts - the doubts that I had been having. One thing that I realise I forgot to blog about was the cause of my current state. After reading the book When The Well Runs Dry, I started to question myself.

Which stage of my prayer life am I in?

Is my dryness in prayer due to slackness?

Or is God testing me?

Or is He trying to teach me that consolation is not by my own effort?

Must I really go through the dark night?

Is it the only way?

Do I really love God that much?

Do I really desire to grow closer to Him?

Can't I just keep drawing water from the well?

Like I shared previously of the period of time where I doubted God's existence, did not feel His presence in my life. It was not a feeling that I would want to go through again. And now to tell me that it is waiting for me again, and even worst this time. The first analogy that came to mind was a girl telling the boyfriend, I think we need some time apart, so that our love can deepen. It doesn't make sense. But after thinking about it, that's a bad analogy, because the dark night makes sense in terms of purifying our love and relationship with God, and deepening our faith, but that doesn't make it easier or something to be desired.

So this retreat looks like its going to be good, because in the first talk, our retreat master covered topics like the dark night, our human concept of God and His love differing from Jesus' understanding. How we have to lose God to find God. In one example, he used the story of Nicodemus, how he could not understand what Jesus was saying about being born again of the Spirit. And then we have the example of our Mother Mary, when the angel appeared to her, telling her that she was to conceive, she replied, "How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?". But after that through faith in God, she believed and accepted, and through the Holy Spirit, God was made flesh.

The reason why I say the retreat has been fruitful, is because it is almost spot on with what I'm struggling with. And the retreat master in his sharing of his own life experience, has kinda motivated me to press on, to trust that the Lord will lead me to the dark night, to purify me.

These are recorded so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing this you may have life through his name. - Jn 20:31

Finally, the above verse struck me, the last line from Sunday's Gospel. And this is the purpose for this blog, so that when I do go through that dark night, I hope that I can look back and draw strength from it, and persevere on this lifetime journey.