I Also Don't Believe

The readings of saturday and sunday keep bringing to mind the theme of unbelief. In Saturday's reading we see the priests, scribes, leaders who despite being amazed at Peter and John, and having no answer for the miracle performed on the crippled man, could not believe in the testimony of Peter and John. Saturday's Gospel strikes even harder, because this time, it is the eleven disciples who do not believe. First when Mary Magdalene said that the Lord was alive and she had seen him. Then the testimony of the two disciples on their way to Emmaus. And we see in Sunday's Gospel, Thomas, in the event which would make him forever associated with "Doubting".

I questioned myself, why am I caught up with the disbelief instead of focusing on the more positive aspects of the resurrection, the wonder of God's power in the healing of the crippled, or the peace and commission given by Jesus to the disciples. And I found the answer in my reflection on thursdays Gospel.

"Why are you so agitated, and why are these doubts rising in your heart?" Lk 24:38

Looking at my previous post put link here, I suddenly realise that there is a pattern. There is a questioning of my faith, my growth, or even my lack of questioning in my life now. Initiated by God, through inspiration by His Word. And I thank Him for that. Even this awareness of myself, I have to be grateful for his soft prompting and Spirit working in me.

Suddenly I recall the last time I went through this process, of doubt, and then of his being by side. On the night of 10 Aug 2002, while in KL, when I was in my "I don't believe that God exists" state. The irritating nagging of my Youthworks friends. Not allowing me to sleep until I talk and express it out. I still thank God for being there for me that night, acting thru them sacrificing their sleep. Thanks guys, really see God acting in you all that night. Of course that is viewed retrospectively, but definitely a big part of my salvation history. Love you all.

Anyway, just reflecting and typing our that last paragraph, has given me strength to carry on. Of course I also draw strength from the scriptures, where if the disciples who also doubted that much, and yet were the same ones who performed that miracle for the cripple, I trust that the Lord is still by my side, and that he will bring me through this, with an increase in my faith.

Talking about doubt and the scriptures, another topic would be the latest buzz around: The Gospel of Judas. It's not that big a thing here in the seminary, maybe because our foundation is so strong here that it is not shaking our faith ;Þ, or more likely it is because we don't have cable here, so did not watch the National Geographic documentary. What we can gather is from the newspapers, and from our scripture professor, but of cos he gives us the Catholic point of view. But what I really want to know is what the people out there are thinking, doubting, questioning on this topic. So if there are any questions that you have or your friends are asking, drop me a comment or email. Also if you know how I can watch the documentary please tell me. Thanks.

P.S. This post and the next few are going to be post-dated, mostly my reflections or things that struck me during the retreat. Hopefully I have time to do them. Now that retreat is over, means that back to studying...Greek and Latin await...