When The Well Runs Dry

This was supposed to be with the next post, but it became too long, so decided to seperate it.

I recently finished the book When The Well Runs Dry by Thomas Green. It is the follow up of the previous Thomas Green book I posted about - Opening to God. This book is about prayer beyond the beginning. In that post I quoted his example of the father and the baby, and how it is frustrating to crawl again after being carried. Well this book goes on to provide a "map" to what can be expected as a pray-er's prayer life grows.

The first part of the book uses an example from St Teresa of Avila's writings, about us being the gardener watering the garden. The water we use symbolises the joy of our prayer, and the flowers are the virtues in our lives. In the beginning, we draw water from the well with a simple rope and bucket. This is us in the beginning of our prayer life, where prayer is a tiring process and we don't get much water/joy for our efforts. Then as we progress, we are given a pump, which means less effort on our part and more water. The 3rd and 4th stages are water from a stream, and rain. Basically, as we grow in our prayer life and relationship with God. The effort and "labour" on our side decreases, and the joys and consolations increases.

All this is wonderful, and a wonderful motivation for me to continue in my prayer life, knowing that it will be easier and more fruitful as develop my "spiritual muscles". But as the title of the book hints, it does not end there. Thomas Green, calls that stage, moving from Knowing God, to Loving God. The next stage is to move towards Truly Loving God. And this is the part that provided me with much food for thought, leading to much doubt.

In the next stage, the joys we get from prayer are interspersed with times of dryness or desolation. And as we go on, the periods of dryness will get longer, until it becomes the norm. He uses the example of human courtship to parallel this process, we have the initial period, where we Discover more about each other, then the Loving and spending more time together, and then after committing to each other in marriage, comes the Truly Loving, through good times and bad, sickness and health... and living life together, no longer about the thrills and excitement, but just really two becoming one.

Thus this next stage is where our love is purified. The reason why this is necessary is that, our human minds and intellect cannot fully comprehend the love of God, and because of that we limit God and His love in our lives. And it will challenge us to lose our concepts of God and we would doubt His presence by our side. This is the dark night of the senses and soul that St John of the Cross talks about.

This will definitely be a trying time, and he uses very illustrative examples of the potter and the clay, and that of the small child who does not understand the necessity of the pain of surgery to save his life. And it is only when we truly embrace that dark night, and trust in God that our whole being can be transformed.

Lastly, he uses the example of floating to differentiate the different approaches to prayer that we take. While we are so used to being active in our prayer, judging our progress by our own efforts, as a swimmer, we still try to control the direction and the destination. But what we are called to do, is to float, and allow the Lord to guide and bring us to the destination that he chooses. To do nothing gracefully, totally surrendering our will to Him.

Broken Clay

Truly God works in His own time in His own ways.

Today I was reading the book "When The Well Runs Dry" by Thomas Green, as part of my IY formation. And I had just started reading Chapter 4 - The Potter's Clay, when I heard a song playing on my comp in the background. The song is "Broken" by Kristy Starling, from one of the CDs that we were given at the Serangoon District Youth Rally.

All I could hear from my bed was "mold me, put the fragments of my life back together again, Cause I'm broken". This got me out of the bed, and I went to the comp to turn up the volume. And surprisingly the song matched what I was reading so well.

In the chapter I was reading, Thomas Green was using the passage from Jeremiah 18:1-6 to explain what to do in the dryness of our prayer life. "Indeed, like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, house of Israel." The reason why we experience dryness, is that God is teaching us to let go, to let Him take charge, to allow Him to transform us to what He intended us to be.

But how painful the transformation will be, depends on how much we want to allow Him to mold us. If we are hard and contented with the shape we are now, it would be hard for God to transform us. But if we allow ourselves to be soft, malleable clay, then his gentle hands will transform our shape, disfigured by sin, into His design.

It is just that we fear that change. Thomas Green also uses another example, that of a small child who has to go through surgery to save his life. He doesn't understand why his parents make him go through pain. If only he can be brought to understand the good that will come out of the pain. So often we are like that child, not understanding why the dryness, the suffering or the pain. And God is there like the parent, telling us, it’s for your own good, don't worry, trust in me.

And that is why I found the song so meaningful. In the lyrics, was the theme of confusion, brokenness, doubt. Especially in the last 2 verses and the chorus. That is what we are called to be, broken clay in the hands of the potter. And the last line just sums up what I felt today, God calling me to do. "My will to You, I surrender. Oh, I surrender"

"O Lord, it is so easy to say I want to be the clay in your hands, but so hard to let myself go. I know it up in the head, but so difficult to follow. I know it is a life long journey, so I ask you to grant me the strength and perseverance. Help me to be open to your loving touch that will expose the hard areas in my life, and grant me the grace to release it for you to transform."

Broken - Kristy Starling

"You said I'd have no more
than I can handle
But everyday seems to be
getting harder to make good
Through You, You said that
I could do anything, oh anything
But sometimes, I feel like
I can't do it at all

I've been knocked down
and dragged around
And now I don't know
which way to go
All I need is one small sign
to put me to where,
Where You want me
I'm confused so I'm calling on You

Cause I, I'm broken
And I'm ready for you
to pick up the pieces
Won't You direct me, hold me,
accept me, and mold me
Put the fragments of my life
back together again
Cause I'm broken

Somewhat embarrassed to admit this
But I wonder if it's the other, or if it's You
Is it trying to tempt me, or is it You
Who strengthens me
I'm weak, so I'm confessing to You

My pride has been bruised
I suppose that's good
My will to You, I surrender
Oh, I surrender

Consolation & Desolation

Last Friday's formation talk was supposed to be on Relationship with God. And so although Sister Elizabeth Sim didn't really focus on that topic, it got me thinking about my on relationship with God. And its lent anyway, so I should be thinking about it, talk or no talk.

So I was reflecting on my own relationship and how it has changed/grown over the last year. And i recalled how last year, i would enjoy going to the adoration room, how i had those experiences of God. And there was much joy. I even wake up for morning masses, and do my holy hour. Whereas nowadays not that there is no joy, but i guess lost that enthusiasm.

And in the book I'm reading, Weeds among the Wheat by Thomas Green, he or actually St Ignatius calls it spiritual desolation. Where we feel, restlessness, discouragement, confusion, or that God is not present or not answering our prayers.

Although desolation is not from God, but he allows it to happen to us. St Ignatius goes on to explains the 3 reasons why God allows us to experience desolation.

1. because we have distanced ourselves from Him. And its a wake-up call.
2. because we can be strenghtened thru these trials, and improve the relationship.
3. because He wants us to realise that it is not through our own efforts that we experience Him. Not to get too proud.

I guess the last point is so relevant to me. Thinking back in my past, I can remember ever saying, how I used to keep ador for special occasions, so that I won't get bored of it and lose that "magical" feeling. And how I keep looking for new ways to experience Him. One moment it's daily holy hour, then centering prayer, taize, the Jesus prayer. All in the effort of making prayer life interesting. Even the PDL was a "craze". But all that soon died down. And the dryness and desolation starts again.

I don't think that I'm really experiencing what full desolation really is, Not holy enough ;-Þ Maybe God doesn't think I'm ready to survive on my own yet, thankfully.

Anyway, the best way to overcome desolation, would be to intensify our prayer and efforts. To continue to trust in that ever present yet invisible God, that He will be by our side all the time. Something that I really have to work on this Lent.

Thy Will Be Done

Today Fr Bill Heng preached a really fiery sermon. He always does.

But one thing which he said really struck me. (Although I can't remember how he linked it with the Baptism) That when Christ prayed, it was always about doing His Father's will. From the finding in the temple, to teaching His disciples to pray, to the garden of Gethsamane. And finally, on the Cross before He died, he said "It Is Accomplished".

Which made me think. My whole life, I always checked myself with "If I die today, am I ready / Holy enough to meet God. But today's sermon, made me think, I should be thinking, "If I die today, would I be able to face God and say 'It is accomplished'."

I won't say it is a sudden realisation, but I guess today's sermon just sparked something. But this idea of doing the Father's will, is something that has been coming up, from reading "Weeds among Wheat - Where Prayer and Action meet" by Thomas Green. And even Ernest's comment that day, that if he dies, he'll go up to God, and say, 'I did the best with what you gave me.'

So, the challenge this year for me, is to continually discern, not only for the future, but even for the present... What His will is for me. And to strive to do it, such that I can say, 'I did the best with what you gave me.'