Acknowledging God's Presence

One common theme struck me in today's two readings, Acts 4:1-12 and Jn 21:1-14, the Acknowledging of the Lord Jesus Christ. Peter testified to Christ's in the miraculous healing of the cripple, and John said "It is the Lord" during the miraculous catch of fish.

This caused me to reflect on my own awareness of the Lord in my life. I identify with the disciples in today's readings and even in the rest of the readings this week. There is always the recognition of the Lord at miraculous events. Mary Magdala at the tomb, the breaking of bread at Emmaus, the appearance in the upper room. And yes in certain events in my life, especially when I need the Lord's help, like finishing an assignment or leading in a session, which is a miracle to me, I seek the Lord's help, and I realise His presence. But in my daily life, I am not that aware of His presence.

At the beginning of the term, I blogged about the examen that we do at night. At that time, there was that conscious effort and struggle, to be aware of the presence of the Lord in my life. But as time went on, I have slackened. And thus today is a real wake up call, to strive once more to be aware of His presence in my life. In here, where there are so many fixed times of prayer, it can be so mechanical and routine, that it is easy to take for granted and just go through the motions.

Then today at Salvation History class, we also covered the physical reminder of God's Covenant, circumcision. Abraham and all his descendants were to be circumcised as a sign of their covenant with God. A physical mark, reminder of God's promise and of their response to God. Well that is no longer necessary, but it got me thinking of a tangible reminder for me of my covenant with God, to help me remember His presence in my life. For me, it is my rosary ring, which I bought at Holy Spirit Church on palm sunday to replace the one I lost in IHM last year. And when I looked at my hand, it wasn't there. I had left it at the sink when I washed up this morning. And of all days for it to happen it had to be today. Maybe because I already had a reminder at mass, so I didn't need it to remind me today.

Anyway, that's my challenge today, this week, and hopefully next week during the retreat, to be aware of the Lord's presence in my life. I know I will slacken, but hopefully I will keep getting reminders, to start again, and strive on.

B.C.

I like the comic B.C. Every once in a while especially on Easter and Christmas it has some Christian message to it. Saw this one for this Easter. Enjoy.



Think this is my shortest post ;Þ

Holy Week

This Holy Week has been good, not the best, but still one of the best. This year, we had the Easter Triduum celebrations in the seminary itself. So the celebration of the Mass of the Lord's Supper, the Lord's Passion and the Easter Vigil was all done inside with the seminary community.

It has been a very different experience, I think because of the change of state and environment. It all began with the Chrism mass in the morning at CTK. As one priest remarked, our first official "public" mass (not counting the Serra Club initiation mass). Walking in procession, sitting behind the priests as they stood up to renew their vows, on one hand enjoying the novelty of it, on the other, wondering when that novelty wears off, if it will just become routine.

Then in the evening we had the Mass of the Lord's Supper, and we rang the big bells outside during the Gloria. The neighbours must be wondering what the commotion was all about, considering that those bells have not been rung in such a long time. They sound like those bells in the villages when there is a fire. Then I had my feet washed, and I guess that was the start of my reflection of being a disciple.

After the mass, we had the procession of the Eucharist out to the Grotto outside the Chapel, and adoration until midnight. It was a wonderful experience, so different from in church. Sitting there, feeling the wind, hearing the lizards and cricket chirping away. The darkness only broken by the flickering of the candles. (It looks so bright in the photo only because of the long exposures) Really, felt like being in the garden with Jesus. And of cos the disciple experience wouldn't be complete with out the falling asleep in the garden ;Þ

Then at midnight, the Eucharist was brought from the the Grotto and kept. This time it was just accompanied by single lamp-bearer. So contrasting with the grand procession we had from the mass to the garden with the incense, and everybody singing. Which in itself was so symbolic, how Jesus went from the last supper to the garden with all his disciples, singing. But when he was arrested, he was left alone.

During that time, while I was taking photos, I saw the moon in the sky surrounded by clouds, and so took a photo of it. It was so eerie, when on Good Friday, I was watching the Passion of the Christ, at the beginning in the garden of Gethsamane, they showed the moon shining through the clouds, much like what I saw that night.

For Good Friday, we had stations of the cross, inside the chapel, as it was raining as it always does on Good Friday every year. I also watched the Passion of the Christ, before we celebrated the Lord's Passion at 3pm. That really helped me reflect even further. Seeing the expressions on the faces of Peter, Judas, John and Mary. The actions of Veronica, Simon and the repentant thief. My "Crucify Him" at the Passion Gospel, the same as that shouted by the chief priests.

Another thing that helped was reading was Archbishop Fulton Sheen's Life of Christ. The chapter "The Seven Words from the Cross" gave me much to reflect on. Enough to have a separate blog post by itself.

But I guess the biggest realization for me, is to treasure this experience. It's not every year that we will be celebrating the Triduum in the seminary, which means there will not always be such a personal, cosy celebration. And also the amount of time spent in prayer. More so life after the seminary. After I watched the Passion of the Christ, which I have for the last 3 years, I couldn't help but wonder whether that will be possible for a priest. The many services, preparing sermons, the whole liturgical preparations. A reminder not to get so caught up with activity and routine, forgetting the essential stuff which makes Holy Week, truly holy and glorious.

Emptied, Cleaned and Prepared

Say to the master of the house, "The Teacher says, 'Where is my guest room where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?'" Then he will show you a large upper room furnished and ready. Make the preparations for us there.

Mk 14:14-15

This morning as I was reading and reflecting on the long gospel passage of Palm Sunday, this line struck me. It reminded me of an image that came to my mind once during praying over at one of the camps. This image of our heart being the upper room with the disciples gathered there. And so in that room, we had the rash Peter who denied, the Thomas who doubted, the Judas who betrayed, the rest who ran away.

So as this image came to my mind, I somehow felt the Lord asking me "where is my guest room this holy week? Is it prepared?". And as I looked at my lent, I won't say it's the best, but quite acceptable, and felt confident enough to say, "Yes, the room is ready.

Then I moved into a more meditative mood and started to look for the preaching point of view. And I realised that there are two parts. Firstly that the master of the house, must have emptied the room, cleaned it and arranged the furniture in preparation. This I related to our lenten sacrifices (emptying), the sacrament of reconciliation (cleaning) and the reflections on the themes in the readings of lent (arranging furniture). And using this as my guide is why I can say, "ok lah, quite prepared."

But there comes the second part, despite the room being ready, Jesus still tells the two disciples to make the preparations there. There is more to the preparation than just emptying, cleaning and arranging furniture. There is the whole preparation of the meal and the setting for the celebration. I saw that as God's invitation or reminder, to use these remaining days, to fill the place, to do the necessary for a fitting celebration. I was reflecting at this holy week, compared to the previous ones, and this one seemed a bit empty at first. But I came to the conclusion that it was because of all the activities we always had during this period. Here in the seminary, things are a bit quieter, and so the challenge for me is to really make full use of the next few days, to prepare myself.

Already as it is, I find myself looking forward to the Gloria and Alleluias. I've never felt this way before, seems quite wierd. I guess my "appetite" was whet today at Holy Spirit, when I heard the children's lit sing the Gloria, and the choir practicing Handel's Alleluia Chorus. And if seminary is anything like the parish, yah I know I'll get a bit sick of the constant Alleluias in Easter, but not really concerned about that now.

Broken Clay

Truly God works in His own time in His own ways.

Today I was reading the book "When The Well Runs Dry" by Thomas Green, as part of my IY formation. And I had just started reading Chapter 4 - The Potter's Clay, when I heard a song playing on my comp in the background. The song is "Broken" by Kristy Starling, from one of the CDs that we were given at the Serangoon District Youth Rally.

All I could hear from my bed was "mold me, put the fragments of my life back together again, Cause I'm broken". This got me out of the bed, and I went to the comp to turn up the volume. And surprisingly the song matched what I was reading so well.

In the chapter I was reading, Thomas Green was using the passage from Jeremiah 18:1-6 to explain what to do in the dryness of our prayer life. "Indeed, like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, house of Israel." The reason why we experience dryness, is that God is teaching us to let go, to let Him take charge, to allow Him to transform us to what He intended us to be.

But how painful the transformation will be, depends on how much we want to allow Him to mold us. If we are hard and contented with the shape we are now, it would be hard for God to transform us. But if we allow ourselves to be soft, malleable clay, then his gentle hands will transform our shape, disfigured by sin, into His design.

It is just that we fear that change. Thomas Green also uses another example, that of a small child who has to go through surgery to save his life. He doesn't understand why his parents make him go through pain. If only he can be brought to understand the good that will come out of the pain. So often we are like that child, not understanding why the dryness, the suffering or the pain. And God is there like the parent, telling us, it’s for your own good, don't worry, trust in me.

And that is why I found the song so meaningful. In the lyrics, was the theme of confusion, brokenness, doubt. Especially in the last 2 verses and the chorus. That is what we are called to be, broken clay in the hands of the potter. And the last line just sums up what I felt today, God calling me to do. "My will to You, I surrender. Oh, I surrender"

"O Lord, it is so easy to say I want to be the clay in your hands, but so hard to let myself go. I know it up in the head, but so difficult to follow. I know it is a life long journey, so I ask you to grant me the strength and perseverance. Help me to be open to your loving touch that will expose the hard areas in my life, and grant me the grace to release it for you to transform."

Broken - Kristy Starling

"You said I'd have no more
than I can handle
But everyday seems to be
getting harder to make good
Through You, You said that
I could do anything, oh anything
But sometimes, I feel like
I can't do it at all

I've been knocked down
and dragged around
And now I don't know
which way to go
All I need is one small sign
to put me to where,
Where You want me
I'm confused so I'm calling on You

Cause I, I'm broken
And I'm ready for you
to pick up the pieces
Won't You direct me, hold me,
accept me, and mold me
Put the fragments of my life
back together again
Cause I'm broken

Somewhat embarrassed to admit this
But I wonder if it's the other, or if it's You
Is it trying to tempt me, or is it You
Who strengthens me
I'm weak, so I'm confessing to You

My pride has been bruised
I suppose that's good
My will to You, I surrender
Oh, I surrender

Reconciliation

Just had our holy hour today, and I was one of those on duty to prepare and conduct it. It being the week before holy week, it was also our community reconciliation night. Of all kinds of session to do, this has to be my first...

Anyway we ended with the whole chapel filled with smoke that we could hardly breathe. Funny thing is after dinner, we were watching this show called "My Name is Earl". And this episode was about reconciliation, Jesus and smoke. The show is about a guy who realises his life is in a mess, and decides that it is because of the bad karma accumulated because of his bad deeds. And so he makes a list of bad things that he did before that he wants to make good. Today's episode, was that he had to confess to an old friend who went to prison for something that Earl did. Another thing he had to do was to quit smoking. He was initially afraid to go and confess, cos the guy, Donny, was quite crazy, so he tried to quit smoking instead, without success. But the beautiful yet funny thing is that, when Donny went to prison, he discovered Christ, and he turned over a new leaf. And when he found out that it was Earl that caused him to go to prison, he was angry at first but then looked at the tatoo of the Crucifix on his body and asked "what would Jesus do", and then he said "I forgive you".

The show made me reflect on certain things. Many times we find it so hard to reconcile with people we hurt, prefering to focus on things like stop smoking, stop swearing. Sometimes we need the help of others to start that reconciliation process, and sometimes we need to help others. And lastly maybe I should also get a tattoo of the Crucifix on me, so that I can always ask Him, "What would you do?"

Nah, I think I'll just stick to a nice metal crucifix. But praise God for the recon session today. Good thing we dun believe in karma, we would never be able to atone for all the wrong that we have done in our lives.

100th Post - Here Am I

Wah finally, I reached 100. Took me 2.5 years. But anyway wanted to make it a special one. And God sent a wonderful gift to me.

I was looking at the website I featured in my last post, I found a link to another website, with other videos. And of all things I find there, the music video of Mercy Me's "Here Am I".

This song has a special place in my heart, as I would call it my "calling song". 2 years back around this time, Ernest introduced the band Mercy Me to me. And this particular song struck me, the lyrics caught me, and coupled with the phone call... well Here Am I today.

Praise the Lord for this nice reminder, the timing was just fantastic.

Mercy Me - Here Am I

On the other side of the world
She stands on the ocean shore
Gazing at the heavens she wonders
Is there something more
Never been told the name of Jesus
She turns and walks away
What a shame

Just across the street in your hometown
Leaving from his nine to five
Gazing down the road he wonders
Is this all there is to life
Never been told the name of Jesus
He continues on his way
What a shame

CHORUS
Whom shall I send
Who will go for me
To the ends of the earth
Who will rise up for the King
Here am I send me
Here am I send me

Whether foreign land or neighbors
Everyone's the same
Searching for the answers
That lie within your name
I want to proclaim the love of Jesus
In all I do and say
Unashamed

BRIDGE
How beautiful are the feet
of those who bring good news
Proclaiming peace and your salvation