Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

*UPDATE - Something wrong with the website for my mp3 files. Updated the links. Should be ok now.*

Last night, I had a really unique dream. The fact that I even remember it so vividly after waking up shows the impact it has made on me. I was at a camp and I remember having certain things going wrong, not really having the best of days. And I walked into the session room, and I see a boy playing with my mp3 player. And then I just lashed out, "Why you touch my things without persmission... Mother never teach you manners ah..."

The scary part was that I know that I am capable of that. I know that in that spur of the moment, under stress or some bad circumstance, I could/would react that way. And it was scary also because the boy was a small primary school boy. Funny thing was that I was dreaming that after the scolding, I walked away and was reflecting on my reaction. I never dream of myself reflecting before, macam like I was seeing how my thought processes worked.

I woke up and just spent the whole morning thinking over the dream. And I think I know what caused it. On sat afternoon, after voting, I went to Raffles City for lunch before going to the Cathedral for the Eucharistic Adoration for Vocations. When I went to toilet to change to my clerical shirt (uniform for seminarians), I overheard this man in the next cubicle scolding his son. "Why you do that, so big already still don't know how to do properly. You know its so shameful...." When I came out, I saw that the boy had peed on his shorts. But he was just a small boy like maybe 3 yrs old, couldn't even talk to answer his father. And I was just feeling so sorry for the boy. The father was just concerned about the inconvenience it was causing him, calling the wife to tell her what her son just did.

Anyway back to my dream, after scolding the boy, I walked out and reflected, and realised that I was super wrong in my reaction. But before I could apologise, I woke up... And although I know it was just a dream, but then I felt so guilty. Because I know that the situation is so real, I know it has happened before in my life, and I think that it might happen in the future. And in the future, the impact would be even greater. With the apology even harder to say, even harder for me to be aware without justifying my own actions. Really have to pray, that God's grace will transform me. To help me not react in that manner, to be aware of my actions when I do, and to have the humility to apologise and reconcile when it happens.

Actually this whole post was inspired by Mr Brown's Persistently Non-Political Podcast No. 4, where he uses the lyrics of the song "Sorry seems to be the hardest word". I don't think he knew how prophetic he could be, especially in the following podcasts, with the famous quotes from the now infamous Bak Chor Mee and Tur Kwa episode

"Sorry not enough, you must explain why. (mp3)"
"Explain why, you say you tell me you don't want tur kwa (pig liver) when you didn't say you don't want tur kwa? (mp3)"
"Sorry also must explain (mp3)"

The Persistently Non-Political Podcasts provided me with much entertainment and laughs these last few days. Even yesterday, when we went for dinner, I had Bak Chor Mee, and I recalled how a friend of mine previously had some problems with the Bak Chor Mee man over pig liver. Not wanting a repeat of the event, he had Nasi Lemak instead.

While on the topic of the Persistently Non-Political Podcast, go and listen to No. 3 about the Greek gods. Luckily our God doesn't work that way.

"But if you don't support us, and give us your sacrifices, your area might have less rain next year. I mean I try to do my best, but I've got to give priority to the guys among you that are willing to support us whole-heartedly, so the rains will go to those who support us"